Saturday, January 25, 2014

Winter, Winter + Reflections

We're in the midst of what feels like the longest winter, ever and I have spent the majority of this very cold Saturday browsing blogs, refreshing Facebook, watching my husband play Call of Duty, finishing my homework, thinking about what I want as a snack, and moving my cats away from my legs since they think the couch is their domain.

I was supposed to travel to my parents' house for my little sister's birthday weekend, but travel conditions are awful and we recently took a 5.5 hour drive to Indianapolis a few weeks ago, when the normal drive is 2 hours. And I am not doing that ever again.

I'm in a reflective state of mind, one that involves a lot of prayer. I've spent countless hours talking to the Big Man Above, just chatting with Him about what seems like a continuous thought process that runs through my head with no end and certainly no beginning. I wonder what 2014 has in store for me. I hope for things to happen how I wish for them to happen. I'm pretty content with my life, but let's be honest. We all want something more. We all want to continue to 'improve' our lives in a way that we see fit. And this reflection that I've been happening has really been focused on that.

What is 2014 going to bring me?
Will it be balanced?
Can I celebrate some very big highs after some of last years very low lows?
Will I continue to be happy?

Life is sort of a conundrum. I like where I am in my life, but I'm striving for more. I'm studying for another M.A. because I want to move up in my career. I'm focusing on my health because I need to lose weight and I want a baby, so very badly. (No secret.) I want to travel, save money, buy a house. I want to experience things with my husband that are new and exciting.

This year has already brought big changes. My husband started college to complete his degree. I have lost 13 pounds. Minus this horrible, horrendous, bitterly cold winter we are having, we're pretty secure. We have a plan of action in place, at least.

2014, be nice to me!

Thursday, January 2, 2014

The Painful Side of 2013

2013 was a rather good year for me, but there were many moments of intense pain and silent hardship that I had to endure without letting it escape from my own heart and brain.

It's not a subject that many people are willing to talk about, but it's something that is rampant in many people's lives, as I've learned over the past eight months. It's not even something that I like to discuss openly with my family, as most people probably would feel uncomfortable talking about it and might shy away from it. The subject is even hard for me to type here on my blog, and I probably won't post this on any social media websites like I usually do because I'm not sure how some people might feel about it and their reaction.

So, here goes. I'm going to throw all my fear that surrounds talking about the subject and let it go here, on this blog, into the Internet, outside of my bedside journal and outside of my innermost feelings.

My husband and I want a baby. We have wanted a baby since we got married. We've tried to have a baby since we got married. But, we still haven't been able to get pregnant. I read statistics that 80% of couples get pregnant after six months of trying. Well, we are outside of that 80% because we are now trying for the ninth month in a row. People who know me in real life might wonder why I would even want to get pregnant because I'm overweight, but that doesn't determine if you can get pregnant. Sure, being overweight can cause health problems which can, in turn, cause infertility. But I don't have any health problems like that. I've talked to my doctor and she has given me the go-ahead to have a baby, at the same time encouraging me to lose weight (which is obvious to me, and the reason why I'm now on Weight Watchers). But, BUT, I don't need to be skinny to have a baby. It's not a requirement.

The only issue that I'm dealing with is having hypothyroidism. I'm on medication to stabilize my hormone levels, which is necessary for my overall health.

People who have not tried to have a baby don't realize how hard the whole process can be. In the beginning, it's so exciting and new and fun! You are going to have a baby! Then if you don't get pregnant in the first months, you start to feel a little stressed. You start to wonder if something is wrong, and you end up going to the doctor for vials and vials of bloodwork. Been there, done that. The only problem was my thyroid.

Now, I'm just not arbitrarily hoping that I get pregnant. I am not innocent in my belief that having a baby is easy. It's incredibly hard to get pregnant, especially when you REALLY want to get pregnant. It seems to get even harder. Every morning, I wake up and take my temperature and put it in an application on my phone to monitor when I ovulate. I take a prenatal. I take my other medication. I've tracked my cycles for nine months. I pee on ovulation predictor sticks a week every cycle to see when the right time is. I stock up on pregnancy tests when they are on sale, and even have bought cheap pregnancy tests online so I can test as much as possible.

Getting pregnant is really emotionally exhausting when you want it as much as I do, and as much as other women that I know want it. It really starts to get to you after awhile, and your hopes get dashed every month, especially when you really think that month is YOUR month.

What is hardest is that people don't necessarily know what to say when they find out you've been trying for a long time. They say a myriad of phrases that they think are helpful, and they don't anything else to say, but they often don't help. My husband doesn't even help when he says such things. It's hard not to feel like a failure month after month, taking a pregnancy test hoping that you are pregnant and it ends up a big, fat negative.

My focus of 2014 is getting pregnant. My husband is going to get a few tests done, and if everything is ok with him, I'll go have more tests done too. I'm sad. I thought I'd be pregnant by now, and I'm still hoping that I'm pregnant by my birthday. We want more than one child, and I'm afraid that every child will take this long.

So, if you read this, just keep me in your prayers - as well as all of the other women in this world who desperately want a baby and for some reason, cannot get pregnant - that every women can have a baby that she really wants.