Sometimes there are days like today, where I want to do nothing more than throw myself in bed and do nothing until the sun rises again tomorrow morning. And it's days like today where I miss my family desperately, wanting so much to be again in my mother's house and losing my dad in the mess he has created in his office. I don't know why it sometimes happens but every so often, I feel a needy longing to be back in the States with my parents and sisters, doing nothing but watching some stupid TV show, waiting for my mom to finish baking her famous chocolate chip cookies, waiting until someone walks away from the kitchen to sneak one or maybe two. And it's not like I don't miss my family on a daily basis - because trust me, I do - but there are some days where it's more prominent in my mind that I am, indeed, hours away by plane and the only contact that I have with them is through the computer.
Yet I have to continue to remind myself that no matter where I am in this world, I will be making some sort of sacrifice. If I want to be near my parents and my family, it means Javi has to come with me and right now, that situation is simply not plausible. There are things that need to finished here before we can go to the States for an extended period of time. Visas are hard to get, money is even harder, and life sometimes requires that a person is pushed outside of their comfort zone just long enough to understand exactly what needs to be done in order to create everything that you want in life.
The thing is that I like living here. It has nothing to do with this place or the people or anything. It's just a longing desire to have everyone around me that I love, all in the same place. Some days it's really difficult to deal with the fact that being here means not seeing my parents, but being in the States means not being by Javi. So the decision to come here and sacrifice time with my family helps me to remember that one day when we are married, we can go anywhere we want. That I can be around my family if that is the logical choice for us. Unfortunately decisions for the future lie in a lot of present circumstances. Finishing school. Finding jobs. Getting visas. All that shit and a lot of luck.
I don't know where I was particularly going with all these thoughts and words, but it ended up here. I guess spilling out random, strung-out, garbles thoughts are all I have for today. Nothing fancy and nothing pretty and certainly nothing tied up with a big pink bow.
I'm human just like everyone else and some days, I miss my family and my cats and the dog that drives me crazy. But living and working in a different country makes you see the inside of yourself and what you are capable of. And that is something I don't want to give up on just because I have one sad day.
The fact that I'm essentially here for love is something to remember, too.
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